Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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