my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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