you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
