I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
