Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
