This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
