Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
