Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
