she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
