when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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