My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
