and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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