I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
