Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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