We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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