you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
