Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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