If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
