so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize