it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize
