are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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