So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
