There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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