So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
