he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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