guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
