I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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