i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
