So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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