I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
