I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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