my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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