She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
