the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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