BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
