I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
