Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
