is your mom at the bar?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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