just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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