If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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