My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
