i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
