We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
