i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
