Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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