Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
