i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
