I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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