I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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