Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
