why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
