Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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