I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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