Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
