Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Someone came in the potted fern
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
